Snuggie Wuggie Saves the Sales

We're approaching the exact middle of Epilepsy season and, as I feel like I've been no where near the big bang of consumerism, I think I've been fairly unexposed to the egregious consumption of the holidays. (Virtual shopping and mouse clicking my way through checkout has definitely helped!)

But, I DO work in herald square. And my office building DOES have an external support system as the ppsi of the air emanating from Macy's across 35th street tirelessly keeps our I-Beams from crumbling like cheddar straws. Yet it doesn't feel like a holiday tide has crashed down on the city... it feels more like mid-July stampedes. Though maybe that's because my desk faces a corner. Far from the windows. Directly beneath the heat. And I missed the entire snowstorm as Office 2007 blew up my computer.

Or MAYBE feels like July because the struggle between debit and credit reminds me of the war between my bathing suit and my belly as one stretches to accommodate hot dogs and watermelon and the other just stretches...

Anyway. I think that while the world watches the government toss zeros around like doughnuts and hypoallergenic dogs like they're available at the local pound, there's a bigger micro-epidemic happening that I'm just beginning to be annoyed by. There's a struggle between saving the economy on the macro level, which, we're learning, involves spending, and there's the micro-status of our own personal bank accounts that should revolve solely around not spending DESPITE the RIDICULOUS sales (that seem awesome but are actually very very sad). And it feels so GOOD to save money!! Right? I mean, you know, it feels good to save money as you spend money because you're saving all that money (you never had) by buying things for ridiculous prices! And you're lending a hand in the bailout of the economy to boot!

I think this gravitation towards sales is called being Italian. (50% guilty!) Or young (poor). (100% guilty!) Or manic. (125% guilty, except when I'm not.) I guess, what I'm trying to say, is I'm bemused by the irony of spending to save and how in the back of my mind, every time I click through a checkout I feel like Rosie the Riveter, doing my part to rescue the anorexic-bulemic economy.

Well fear not. Yesterday, as my boss left the office waxing poetic over a gag-gift, I realized: we don't need the feds to cough up some cash. What about SNUGGIES!!!! I did some research, 1 snuggie per person would raise, approximately (not accounting for relative shipping costs), 1 Billion dollars. And if everyone bought TWO snuggies? Well, as we all sat in our homes and sweated out the new year, that would reduce our dependency on foreign oil AND raise 2 billion dollars! And, what's more, if you BUY 1 (for a limited time) you get a FREE snuggie!!! You're saving yourself 19 dollars and 95 cents!!! And all you have to do is SPEND a twenty to GET a (virtual savings of) twenty!! That's a collective SAVINGS of 1 BILLION dollars!!! So 2 Billion raised, 1 Billion saved, that's a 3 Billion stimulus package right there, right? I totally did my part and bought a snuggie.

Hmm.... And then my credit card was charged $37 dollars. Because, suffice it to say, in my excitement over net zero spending on snuggies, I failed to realize they had to not only ship - but also HANDLE my snuggie and because they're sending me a free snuggie, that's double the shipping and double the handling. Now, double the handling... I can get on board with that... BUT EFFING PACK THEM TOGETHER!!

Long story short, when it's mid-July, and I'm in a snuggie instead of a bathing suit (and I hope it's here by then, 2-12 weeks is a wide open window), you'll all know why. And until then... happy shopping and best of luck avoiding the pitfalls of being young (poor), manic, and Italian in a virtual reality awash in 2 for 1 sales.